


Like Humans Do

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-09 07:11:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15262146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Humans are a fairly irrelevant species as far as trolls are concerned. To avoid slavery, Rose and Dave have stowed away on an Alternian ship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Updating tags as I go.

You wake up to the sound of swearing. Funny, because that’s how you usually wake other people up. You scramble for the lip of your recuperacoon and pull yourself out. Your first impression is  _ eyes, red eyes, not rust eyes, red eyes, like yours _ . But then you force your stupid brain to pay attention and there’s lusus white hair and pinky white skin and  _ shit, that’s not a troll _ . The creature is troll- _ shaped _ but he’s so obviously not troll. 

He froze at the movement you made, but he’s making up for it now. You think he landed awkwardly on your desk, from the way he’s clutching at his foot. Now he’s climbing back on your desk and reaching for the vent and before you know it you’re lunging out of your ‘coon and grabbing his ankle and he’s on top of you and now you’re both swearing. 

‘Fucking nook-wiffing, blithering crotchstained pile of trash!’

‘Motherfuck that’s the other ankle gone, just fuckin’ shoot me now!’

‘Bullshit shitsquatting dumbfuck!’

‘Oh my god, my swearing is so inferior, I bow down to the master.’

You pin the creature … the  _ alien _ down, because he’s starting to get movey again and you aren’t letting him escape.

‘Hey,’ the alien says, casual despite his compromised position. ‘I’m Dave.’

‘Karkat,’ you say, kind of surprised into politeness.

‘Cool. Hey, wanna let me go?’

You have to hand it to him, he’s got guts. You almost laugh.

‘How did you even get onto this ship?’ you ask incredulously. 

‘Shenanigans,’ he says.

That does make you laugh. Quietly and reluctantly, but it’s still there.

‘Hey, made you laugh, now you can’t be mad,’ he says. He struggles to free himself. ‘Okay, whoops, you’re hella strong. Come on, man, I’ll owe you so bad if you let me go.’

‘Dave,’ you say, and his name feels strange on your tongue, too short, alien like he is. ‘I can’t just let you go, that’s insane.’

‘No, you’re right,’ he says. ‘You gonna take me as your sexy prisoner? Dude, you’re hot, I’ll put out.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’

‘A little …’ He looks to the side. ‘Man, my bro would kill me if he saw how easy you got the drop on me. I feel … really useless right now.’

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but what kind of alien are you?’

He laughs all crinkly eyed and you are a big enough guy to admit that’s attractive. No! He just got in your head! Well, it is attractive, but you’re not thinking about that, you’re  _ detaining _ him.

‘Human. We’re not part of the empire yet, still resisting, woo …’ His “woo” is deflated and ironic. ‘Stashed on board the ship because I didn’t fancy being a slave. Just … sucks, you know? Didn’t ask for this, but because I’m me and you’re you, we just gotta do this, even though we might get along if things were different.’

You almost reach for your signless necklace on reflex. But you aren’t wearing it. Because you aren’t wearing anything. You were in your recuperacoon. Suddenly that seems quite urgent.

‘Look, I’m naked as a fucking grub … if I sound the alarms you’re gonna get found real quick so you just stay put while I chuck on some pants, okay, don’t give me a reason to get anyone else involved.’

‘Woah, pants, but I thought you were taking my beautiful maidenhead,’ he says. His eyes widen as his brain catches up with his mouth, you see it happen. ‘Oh my god, sorry, yes, get dressed, please ignore me, I’ll be good.’

You snort another little laugh and let him go. You pull pants on and watch him touch the parts of his clothes your sopor got on, sniffing and touching it curiously.

‘Don’t eat that,’ you warn. ‘You’ll go bugfuck crazy.’ 

‘Noted,’ he says. He sits up slightly. ‘Okay, this sucks.’

You give him a dry sarcastic laugh.

‘No, not this  _ this _ , I mean obviously getting caught sucks. It’s just … you were all just aliens to me before? And now you’re this cute guy who swears real good and stops me from licking the sleep-jelly because you’re nice, right? And I really want you guys to lose, but if I think of you in terms of …  _ people _ …’ He sighs and puts his head in his hands. A bit of sopor is somehow on his forehead. You hope it’s okay on his alien skin for a moment before you remember that you don’t have any reason to hope that. ‘I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway, you’re gonna hand me in, right? Maybe get in a quick fuck before you call the brass, I don’t blame you, perks of dealing with the incursion, I probably won’t even fight that hard ‘cause, like I say, you’re pretty damn cute …’

‘Dave,’ you say. ‘I might be a globetickling idiotic asslord, but I’m not a rapist.’

He groans.

‘Stop being nice, I  _ really _ can’t fight back now!’

‘What, that’s your standards? Not a rapist, good enough, not gonna fight? Shit, you’re pitiable.’ You flush when you realise what you said. God, do you pity the alien? That fast? That alien? Fuck.

There’s a cut on his arm you didn’t notice before … his blood is as red as his eyes, as red as yours. You’re getting way too close for sympathy for your comfort.

‘What was even your plan?’ you ask. 

‘Uh, okay, it’s a bit embarrassing … I really needed a piss and your block was the closest one to my hideout, I thought I could just drop down, use the john and get out of here. I actually still would really like to go, if we’re putting off the whole murder thing for now.’

You gesture towards the load gaper welcomingly. He stands in front of it and pulls his bulge out. Okay, that’s … You turn away. His species apparently just keeps their bulge out. That’s seared onto your pan now. And they piss through their bulges. Okay. That should not be kinky. You are so messed up. You find yourself a clean shirt to put on along with your pants and tidy up the stuff that got knocked off your desk by the clumsy alien. You really should call for someone. 

Maybe later.

You hear the tap running and then Dave mumbling to himself as he dries his hands. Oh, he’s so bad at this. You kind of want to wrap him up in many blankets and keep him safe. Such a bad impulse to have for a rogue alien. You really should be culled. For more than the usual reasons.

‘Yo, Karkat, you mind if I grab one of your blankets? It’s cold as balls in here.’

Dave is holding a blanket by the edge, ready to let go if you tell him off. You nod dumbly. He wraps himself in it and sits back where he was, like an obedient warm cocoon of stupid. You want to kiss his stupid face and also tell him to run far, far away. 

‘Dave …’ you say. Oh god, are you really going to do this? You are the stupidest fucksack in the known universe. ‘You should get out of here.’

‘What?’ he says.

‘Look, just pretend everything went to plan. I was asleep, you used the gaper, no one knows you’re here. I’m not doing you any favours, right? Just … letting history run its course.’

‘Karkat …’ he says. ‘Man, I nearly just asked if you were sure, what a stupid move, it’s like I don’t want freedom. Just … thank you, okay?’ He stands up and he still has your blanket on and he’s hugging you close, like he thinks he’s your moirail. You stand still. You guess you can accept his weird gratitude hug. 

He smells nice. 

He lets you go and looks you right in your eyes. 

‘Um …’ he says. 

He looks to the floor for the moment. Then back up to your eyes. Then, you  _ swear _ , to your lips. 

‘Um …’ you say. 

He hasn’t let go of your arms yet. He pushes his lips to yours for one glorious moment. 

‘Oh my god, I’m so stupid, sorry, ignore me …’ he says. He hasn’t run away yet.

You lean into him again and he kisses you back hungrily. You suck at his bottom lip and he moans. You lean close to him and he licks into your mouth with utter disregard for your teeth. For about two seconds and then he pulls back, chagrined. 

‘Ow,’ he says, sucking on his own tongue. 

You giggle and lean your forehead against his.

‘I should really get out of here before you change your mind,’ he says. 

He doesn’t move, just leans into you.

You feel your purrs kick in half a second before you hear them. 

‘Shit, Karkitty, how can I leave you now?’ he says, his voice all husky and delicious.

You push your head against his. Your horns nudge against his scalp. You purr harder.

‘Oh, you soft, sweet heart,’ you say. 

‘Gotta leave, pretty boy, gotta let me go, god I’m stupid, fuck it, Karkat in this with you,’ he says and then he’s pushing close to you, kissing you deeply, just plundering your mouth. 

‘Holy shit, how am I gonna kiss some non-purring fool now?’ he says. ‘You’ve ruined me, Karkat.’

You kiss him to silence and then some more, kiss him better, harder than you’ve ever kissed anyone. He threads his fingers through your hair, strokes your horns lightly and you grab his ass. You gasp and moan into his mouth. 

There’s a noise outside your block and you both freeze.

You shove your hand over his mouth and suppress your purrs.

The noise passes and you take your hand away. 

‘You gotta go,’ you whisper.

‘Okay,’ he says, kissing you. He grins at you, like it’s all just a joke, like the danger makes it better (it does). ‘I’m gone, baby,’ he says. He jumps up on your desk with a surprising amount of grace, considering that he fell off it to begin with. He pulls himself into the vent with a gorgeous pull up, his muscles flexing deliciously, and then he hangs down by his knees to give you one last kiss before sitting up. He gives you a cheeky wave before pulling up the vent.

Oh, you’re doomed. You just let an alien go free. You’re such an idiot. You undress (a little self consciously, because what if he’s watching!) and slide back into your ‘coon. 


	2. Chapter 2

Dave brings a blanket back with him when he returns.

‘How did it go?’ you whisper.

He grins at you, pulls his shades from his pocket and slides them back on.

‘Piece of cake,’ he says. ‘Rose, he purred, I’m not saying that in a cheap romance novel way, he legit purred like a fucking cat, it was so hot.’

You roll your eyes at him. You pretend you weren’t shaking with anxiety the whole time he was gone. You’ve both studied these aliens, these trolls, a lot, but there was no guarantee that Dave could reliably induce their strange pity-love so quickly. That strange line between capable enough to not deserve to be killed (culled) but pathetic enough to endear. You had teased him that he flirted with that line every day, if he did it intentionally he’d probably blow a hole in the ship.

He chose the troll who seemed to pity everyone, who was squeamish about violence, who wore the equivalent of a crucifix. He chose the troll who he found himself watching more than any of the others, because he knows better than to try and pretend attraction when he can just exaggerate it a little.

It’s harder for you. Yes, you are perfectly cognizant of your own preferences. You know you watch the tall woman with green lips and a wry smile more than the rest. You know from listening to her that you could have a wonderful rivalry with her if the situations were different. The concept of rivalry as a form of romance intrigues and delights you, from a studious point of view.

But as soon as you consider these points, you become obsessed with the idea that you are whoring yourself here. You hate that you wrote papers on the history of prostitution and its value to society on Earth, hate that you respected those women so much for looking at the cards they were dealt and playing that very poor hand so very well, but now … Now faced with the same opportunity, you are almost unable to get past a layer of no, do not want, that is not power.

And it’s worse that you might get some enjoyment out of it. You’re not quite sure why that is. It’s like you want that insurance, the ability to say no sir, it was a hardship, but I forced myself because I value humanity that much. Dirk should never have sent you. He should have sent your mother, age be damned, she still looks like a movie star despite her latest birthday being her 40th. She would have been so good at this, just like Dave. Of course, that’s why you’re here instead. Why send two Daves?

Jade would be good in a different way, but she doesn’t have your blonde hair, your pale skin, the things that will intrigue the trolls, the things they have been proven to find mesmerising. Your unnatural eyes. You look like royalty gone wrong, made exotic, you were very flattered to see how much the bidders were willing to pay for you. Dave has the same colour eyes as troll Jesus. And his target.

‘So,’ he whispers. ‘I’m thinking I could get a hate-thing going on with the ship.’

You widen your eyes to convey your surprise. You thought one of you would be pitying the helmsman, he’s just as much a slave as you would be. There’s not much to hate there. You take out the tablet and pull up his files. Dave takes it from you, shows you what he sees.

‘Yeah, see, he was an arrogant little shit before he got hooked up and he totally still is. Look, he was hate-friends with half the crew back when, and they get the best of everything he can offer except when they do something stupid. Look, see how Karkat knocked this guy out when they were sparring and then spent an hour apologising?’ Dave rolls his eyes, but he’s the one who locked Karkat into his heart quadrant almost immediately after seeing that for the first time. ‘Yeah, cold showers all of a sudden. Then this guy, he hurts his cat-girl-love-friend’s feelings, all of a sudden his files have been shuffled around, he can’t find shit. This girl uses her psychic powers to cut in line in the mess hall, suddenly her mini-fridge is on the fritz. He’s supposed to be basically dead, but he’s not and he’s using that power to make tiny inconveniences? Rose, we can take over this ship.’

‘Yes, well that’s rather the point,’ you say.

‘Yeah but who thought we could?’ he says.

There’s a moment of vulnerability there before he covers it with a cocky smile, like look at us, defying expectations.

‘Dirk wouldn’t send us on an impossible mission,’ you say carefully. He’s so sensitive about his brother, you never know when you’re about to step on a conversational landmine.  
‘He would, because he knows we’re too stubborn to let it keep being impossible,’ Dave says. ‘He wouldn’t send anyone else on an impossible mission.’

You sigh quietly. Dirk has rather earned the paranoia that Dave has surrounding him, but sometimes it goes a bit far.

‘Improbable,’ you correct. ‘I think I will take Kanaya for the caliginous quadrant after all.’

There, that distracts him. You watch him struggle with his words, a rather rare occurrence. You know he generally just says whatever he wants. He must have picked up more than you wanted in your reluctance.

‘You’ve … gotten over … the thing?’ he says awkwardly.

‘What thing might that be, Dave?’ you ask.

‘Look, you’re the one who says talking helps.’

‘Yes. Were you talking?’

‘Whatever, if you want to keep all your horrorterrors in your pan, who am I to stop you?’

You meet his scowl with a slight smile as you think it over.

‘I’ve gotten over the thing,’ you say with a forced casualness that you know he can hear.

His face relaxes.

‘Good,’ he says. ‘So, Karkat’s mine, which means his crazy moirail’s mine too.’

‘Very confident,’ you remark.

‘I earned it,’ he says. ‘Holy fuck that was hot. You know I don’t want to squick you out, but shit, Rose. I want helmsman, then we’ll have the ship on our side. You get vampire queen, she’s in clubs with those other two scary dudes, that’s important. You think you could get muscle-guy?’

You let yourself get carried away with his enthusiasm until he brings up Equius.

'In which quadrant?’ you ask incredulously. ‘He makes three cups of coffee in the morning because he always breaks the mugs half-way through, do you really want to throw your sweet, fragile cousin into his arms?’

'Don’t think you'd even need to touch him, Hal says his last matesprit was a dom.’

You arch your eyebrows.

'I mean, I would but do you really think I could pull that off? I mean you could go for cat-girl instead …’ he says.

'I’ll consider it.’

'And then it's just creepy blind girl and I could stand to be super best friends with her if you don't want to.’

You decide to save your observation that Dave has nicknamed everyone except Karkat for a later date. There are only 12 trolls that you are targeting, it's not an excessive amount of names to remember, and you know for a fact that he has an uncommonly good memory. You only stop because you don't fancy inviting an exchange of psychoanalysis until you have successfully earned a quadrant for yourself.

Hell, you'd better get onto that quickly. You wouldn't want to deprive him of such helpful and amusing observations.

‘Not that I don’t doubt your sweet science, but isn’t the moirail of my kismesis’s auspice a rather tenuous link for the most important troll on board?’

‘Probably. You think you can be her moirail?’

‘But what about her current moirail?’

Dave shrugs.

‘I only got stupid clubs one left unless you want to reshuffle and I don’t see how mediating is gonna endear us, so …’

‘Are you proposing we break up a healthy relationship so the princess can rebound onto me?’

He shrugs again.

‘Well, the opportunity to manipulate would be difficult enough to resist under less pressing circumstances,’ you allow.

He grins at you.

‘Alright, gimme that back, I gotta update Hal.’

You hold the tablet closer in defiance.

‘I can do it,’ you say.

He looks at you beseechingly. You decide that it’s rather ridiculous for you to force yourself to interact with Hal in this particular situation. It makes sense that Dave would provide the update. He’s the one who has achieved something. You hand him the tablet, but scooch next to him so you can read as he types.

turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering autonomousRevolution [AR]

TG: hey  


TG: hows my favourite abomination of science today  


AR: Hi Dave.  


AR: You always say the nicest things.  


AR: Have you got an update for me?  


TG: sure do  


TG: troll teeth are insane sharp  


TG: pass it on make sure no one else makes my mistake of just diving in there tongue first like theyre going for the olympic medal  


TG: three twists and a flip 10 points the crowd goes wild  


TG: made the biggest fuckin splash thats the goal right  


TG: ha im joking i know you gotta keep that shit tight  


AR: Dave, focus your damn meatbrain. Do you have any idea how hard your reports are to write up?  


TG: youre a supercomputer so i imagine really fuckin easy  


TG: also dont you get your cybernetic jollies off by putting my bullshit into reports as if its totally important info that bro must read absolutely right now  


AR: It’s really frustrating that I will never again get the pleasure of giving you a well-deserved noogie.  


AR: You’re a real smug little shit, aren’t you?  


TG: yup  


AR: Report, Dave.  


TG: ok so i got myself caught by karkat vantas, mutant red-blood troll in his respiteblock  


TG: seduced the shit out of him  


TG: he let me go of his own volition  


TG: totes gonna sneak back for more makeouts soon  


TG: cos daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn  


AR: You started off so well!  


AR: Whatever, close enough.  


AR: Pass me to Rose so she can update me.  


TG: or that could be the whole update  


TG: rose hasnt got anything to tell you she was just guarding our hideout like a little cute dragon  


TG: nothing to report nossir  


AR: Dave.  


TG: Hello, Hal.  


TG: As Dave said, I have nothing to report.  


TG: I was indeed, like the dragon, hoarding our treasures of sleeping bags and protein bars.  


AR: The similarities are astounding.  


AR: How did you get your skin so scaly and reptilian?  


AR: I’m so impressed.  


TG: It’s just one of the many things I can do with my skin.  


TG: I love having skin. And muscles and bones and the ability to interact with the world around me.  


TG: I think perhaps I will do a cartwheel later.  


AR: So, when are you going to actually pull your weight on this mission? Or will you be too busy performing gymnastics to save all of humanity?  


TG: Adjust your drama parameters, Hal. You’re sounding like Dirk.  


TG: Now that Dave is back, we will take shifts sleeping, as usual, and tomorrow I will approach Kanaya Maryam, jadeblood, and proposition her.  


AR: Would you like help developing a plan?  


TG: I think I can cope on my own.  


AR: Would you like a list of the top ten times you have attempted to flirt and failed? I believe I have video footage of some.  


TG: I believe I will manage without, thank you, Hal.  


TG: As perfect a response to a stressful situation as the reminder of past failures was.  


TG: Top notch human skills, as always.  


TG: I shall rest well, happily contemplating how my previous romantic encounters involved a rather spectacular run up, confident dive and then belly flop into rejection. This bodes well for the life or death situation I shall face tomorrow.  


AR: I am almost tempted to allow you to continue, just to see how long you could prattle on for with absolutely zero encouragement.  


AR: Alas, even my superior processing skills can’t handle that much horseshit.  


AR: Say toodle-oo to Dave for me.  


autonomousRevolution [AR] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

‘Happy?’ Dave says.

You glare at him.

‘He always does that, he always signs off before I can respond. That’s a cheap fucking victory and he knows it. He probably knows I would win if he didn’t cheat, and therefore, I think I probably win by default. It’s a forfeit.’

Dave groans and yanks the tablet from your hands. He squishes your cheeks together.

‘How was that helpful?’ he asks.

You shush him as best as you can from your compromised position. He has the decency to look a bit ashamed. You’re in a fucking vent on an alien spaceship, not at home on the couch. You can’t banter that loudly.

‘I wish you wouldn’t do that,’ he says, much more quietly, releasing your face.

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ you say.

‘Jesus, Rose. You went for, like, every one of his weak points. Can you not?’

You smile at him and pat him on the cheek.

‘Do you want to sleep first or shall I?’

Dave insists that he’s too high on adrenaline and makeouts to sleep, so you lie down in your sleeping bag. Dave’s a quiet guy to be around by necessity, but his even breathing is soothing as you close your eyes. You’d never really slept well when someone was keeping watch until the two of you were paired up. Your mom says it’s because your souls recognise each other, but she’s always saying ridiculous things like that.

It’d be easier to dismiss if it didn’t feel true.


End file.
